Dating

 A fifteen year old boy asked his classmate to spend time with him. She sought permission from her parents if she could date her classmate. Being traditional Indians, parents were in for a shock. “She is far too young for this”, was their first thought.

Indian families have always been over protective about their daughters. In the past they would totally disallow boys and girls from meeting. They would protect girls from the prying eyes of the world and when she came of age, they would search for a groom from a good family and marry her off. Thus dusting off their responsibilities. With globalization, western influence and cell phones things have totally changed.

In another incident one girl was caught sexting by her mother. She was fifteen. Mother was shocked and furious. She was largely nonplussed and did not know how to tackle the situation. A huge fight ensued between mother and daughter. The respect and decorum in their relationship went to dogs. Both refused to see each other’s point of view and gloom descended in their home. Both shed silent tears finding fault with each other.

This is a real challenge for parents. Life is no longer simple. Nothing is right or wrong. There are no standards or prototypes. Understanding the situation and negotiation skills will go a long way in resolving these issues.

Answers lie in an ancient shloka

लालयेत्पञ्च्वर्षाणि दशवर्षाणि ताडयेत् 
प्राप्ते तु षोडशे वर्षे पुत्रं मित्रवदाचरेत्  

(LaalayetPanchvarshaNi Dash VarshaNiTaDyet

PraptetuShoDsheVarshe, PutrMitraVadacharet)

(Meaning of shloka:Zero to five years of age be loving, kind and gentle to your child, for the next ten years instill discipline. When your child turns sixteen then parent and kid must turn friends)

Let’s understand that hormonal activity is at its peak from 13 years to 21 years. These hormones are responsible for physical growth and changes in the body. It’s natural for teenagers to have mood swings. They will be over excited one moment and feel down the next moment. They are an explosive bundle of energy. Attraction with the opposite sex is a natural process. Many of the dating, courtship and marriage rules are manmade to suit the times.

With a cell phone in their hands, teens are over exposed. They are growing up very fast. 30 years back the average age of getting a first period was twelve, today it is ten.

It is very important to discuss family values with your teen. In a casual talk with them discuss sex and its responsibilities, relationships, how to choose a right partner etc. Without making it awkward, you can tell them your stories. Confide in them about your first crush, secret admirations of youth, how you met your spouse, how grand-parents met each other, funny love stories of the pastetc. etc. This will loosen the mood. Create an atmosphere of mutual respect and trust.

Encourage them to be open about their activities. Allow them to interact with the opposite sex, while you teach them how to draw a line. You have to discuss how much physicality is advisable. (Of course this generation are on an over kill, hugging is a casual way to greet friends, including friend’s girlfriends). Instead of losing sleep over early dating trends in the society, focus on having a healthy relationship with your teen at home. Respect and trust him/her. Negotiate on what is allowed and what is not allowed. Having made this effort just keep a watchful eye and be gentle.

You can talk them into not putting everything on social media. Advise them to be discrete about their lives and strictly protect their privacy. They must be briefed about cyber security.

I conclude by quoting the legendary Khalil Gibran

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

Which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them,

But seek not to make them like you

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children

As living arrows are set forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,

and He bends you with His might

that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies,

So He loves also the bow that is stable.

- Dr.Lalita Anand